Tween angst: Gym Shorts Edition

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By Robyn Schneider
For The Irvine World News

It happens to everybody. Suddenly you’re a teenager and “The Simpsons” is still funny, newspapers are still boring, and church is still a mandatory extra-curricular activity.

Nothing’s different – except for you. You’re different. You’re a teenager.

Mom and Dad want to have nightly talks about all those eye rolling subjects: sex, drugs, and peer pressure. They want you to get into a “Good College,” and it’s never too early to start worrying about the SAT test.

Relax. Lean back in your chair (so long as it isn’t attached to a desk) and listen. I’m going to try and help. You’ve got plenty of time to worry about standardized testing. What you should be stressing about now is something entirely different. In fact, it’s just two easy words: Gym shorts.

Gym shorts are the most mind-boggling item of clothing in the universe. They are too tight and yet they manage to be on the brink of falling off at the same time. They’re embarrassing if you have an unfortunate last name like Ploof, Grumbles, or Thweat, which is written across your chest in two-inch high letters.

But gym shorts are useful. In middle school PE, gym shorts provide an easy way to distinguish between eighth and seventh graders. A seventh-grader’s shorts look new, while those of an eighth-grader are faded and distressed from use.

We’re all familiar with the dreaded exercise that comes hand in hand with gym shorts – running. Before you can get to the slightly less torturous activities (volleyball, basketball, dance) you have to run. By the time you reach the finish line (marked by a PE teacher with an orange cone) you collapse onto the grass with everyone else, exhausted. But everyone has to do it. And you’ll get through the running, somehow.

Gym shorts are not only synonymous with physical activity – they have a fashionable aspect as well. Many of the fashion-conscious girls roll their waistbands below their bellybuttons, creating the ultimate “low rise” PE shorts. Guys, on the other hand, attempt to get away with “sagging.” While these options may look good, they do substantially impair athletic ability.

Thus, a lesson is learned: fitness and fashion don’t mix. The only time sagging or rolling gym shorts are acceptable is during a “dress code violation.” If you wear a tube top and Wonderbra, or something else to that effect, odds are that you will be sent to the office for a dress code violation. If this happens, you are shamed by being forced to change into your PE clothes for the rest of the day.

A bit of advice: Clothes are great. They’re fun to buy and may even be the cornerstone of your social stereotype (i.e. ripped fishnets, basketball jerseys, Abercrombie and Fitch), but respect the school’s authority. If they say no spaghetti straps, don’t wear them.

Following the rules may not be rewarded, but breaking them is grounds for punishment – by the dreaded gym shorts.

And so, leave the stress at home along with your MP3 player. PE isn’t going to kill you. The worst it can do is leave elastic waistband marks an inch above your belly button, and we all know who’s to blame for that – the wonderful person who invented gym shorts. Cadillac Chrysler Citroen Daihatsu Ford Galloper Honda